Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.