yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.