Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?