o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
one might say we're banned from that church
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
a bad idea.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
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