Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
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