I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.