Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
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