im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Send us your Text From Last Night!
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
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