you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful