U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same