So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way