While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Loading more great texts...