Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...