This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.