You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
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after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
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