i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
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Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
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