You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this