So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?