Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.