Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.