She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday