Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.