How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.