she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator