Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?