When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Send us your Text From Last Night!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
birth control should be required to get into college
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
it's like iHOP with fire
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
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