so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
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