This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
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Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
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