I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..