I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.