The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.