I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.