These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way