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I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
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