Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.