DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.