You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm gonna cum garlic butter