this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
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