The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
My vagina just clenched in fear
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.