I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.