The Olympian is in my bed
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"