NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i believe in u and ur pee
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf