stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i believe in u and ur pee
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences