Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.