Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
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Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol