I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.