I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.