I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.