So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend