Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?