All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridgeđź¤”
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.