being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.