This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!