There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
You came to the right person.