When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.