He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"