I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.