He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.