woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.