Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood