Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.