I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.