Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.