I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag