It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
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There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag