i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
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Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
There was a lot of him and a little penis
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
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