I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire