He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
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