right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
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my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
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