Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis