A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."