when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
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