so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
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