I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
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