I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
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