is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
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