She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
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