my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
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then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She's allergic to latex.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
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