How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
cat food counts as protein by the way
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
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