and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
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I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
no, he came in my armpit
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just tell him i said nine months
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
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