can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
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