My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She's allergic to latex.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
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